sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
