I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
