Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
