Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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