While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
