you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
