I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
