I want to make a zoo with you.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
