Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
