Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
