my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
