just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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