It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
