dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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