is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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