I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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