Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
