News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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