Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
