did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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