living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
