The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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