My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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