i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
