my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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