you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
