I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize