If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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