i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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