the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
