So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
