So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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