Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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