you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
