I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
