I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
