it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
