he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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