Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
