I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
