She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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