Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
