Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
