dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize