Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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