alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
