Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
