8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
