My liver just broke up with me...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
