My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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