I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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