Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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