My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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