i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize