You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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