She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
