First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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