I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize