yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
