it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
