You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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